


Invisible String

by DAgron01



Series: Island Folklore [1]
Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Angst, BROPT Fatin and Dot, Background Leah/Fatin, Brief mentions/references to suicide and abuse and homophobia, Canon Divergence, Character Study, Everyone Needs A Hug, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Shelby centric introspection, Some Humor, redemption and forgiveness and team building, spoilers through finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:00:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28361310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DAgron01/pseuds/DAgron01
Summary: Shelby decides that she's ready to fight for what she wants, and what she wants is Toni. And everyone else has their own thoughts and questions about it.orShelby's new self-acceptance leads to breakthroughs in the other girls' personal development.
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Series: Island Folklore [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2079255
Comments: 36
Kudos: 469





	Invisible String

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place before the shark attack and Nora and Leah never have their encounter in the woods.

_ “One single thread of gold _

_ Tied me to you” _

Shelby considers Fatin’s advice for longer than she cares to admit as she watches Toni. She feels like she has always noticed her, ever since the first moment on the plane weeks ago. Stepping on the plane, knowing she was being sent away because of her attraction to girls, and having it be full of attractive girls was a very special kind of hell for Shelby. A hell made worse by Toni’s presence, because she understood the moment that she saw her that her thoughts and feelings weren’t some one time thing. It wasn’t just Becca and their close friendship. It wasn’t her admiring girls from afar and telling herself that she was simply comparing herself to them for professional reasons (PTSD from pageant life or something). Nope, she’s definitely into girls. And it turns out, she’s into Toni in particular.

She rolls her eyes at the memory. She felt drawn to her and needed to touch her from day one. She did what she always did and plastered on her fake optimism. Well, the optimism wasn’t so much fake as everything else about her was. Especially her self-confidence, She knew she wouldn’t be able to formulate actual, coherent words when she felt so inadequate so she channeled someone else. She became who she thought people would prefer, who  _ she _ thought she preferred.

Looking back, she could acknowledge that she befriended Martha for the wrong reasons. One, being that she seemed the least intimidating of the group and therefore, someone Shelby could easily get on her side. Another part, the dark side of her that she hates to admit, was for penance about Becca. And another, bigger part of her, had wrongly believed that befriending Toni’s best friend would actually put her in Toni’s good graces. That she would be able to hang out with Toni without added pressure if she made a good impression on Martha. Boy had she been wrong about that decision! 

She shook her head at herself. She had absolutely no game. She didn’t understand girls at all, even if she was one. Or maybe she just didn’t understand Toni and that’s really what pisses her off. Because Toni has always seen her so clearly. She made Shelby feel seen in ways that absolutely terrified her, but also sort of thrilled her (if she were being honest with herself, which she rarely ever was). And Martha had actually turned out to be a fantastic human being and a wonderful person, and Shelby had come to enjoy her time with the other girl genuinely. Because Martha maybe didn’t see her the way Toni did, but she also didn’t see her the way everyone else did either. Martha saw her as she  _ could _ be, and she wanted to be that person. She so badly wanted to be good enough for someone. Even if it was just pretend, and only just for a while.

Her eyes wander back to Toni and she closes her eyes briefly before exhaling slowly, loudly. She opens her eyes and continues to watch her. Toni is a spitfire about absolutely everything, especially anything concerning Shelby. And that’s why her subdued behavior is so confusing. They had sex for heaven’s sake! Shelby trembles at the memory. The real thing was so much better than getting herself off with the jets in the hot tub. She can’t help smiling as images of last night play in her mind. How turned on she was. How cared for Toni made her feel. And how beautiful. It mattered to her and at the time, she thought it mattered to Toni; but she isn’t so sure right now. And it pisses her off. Toni not reacting really pisses her off. 

They had gotten extremely efficient at pushing each other’s buttons, because she had slowly come to see Toni nearly as well as she felt seen by her. She understood the kind of unbridled anger she exhibited was hiding unthinkable pain. Part of her envied Toni’s ability to be so easily riled up, because Shelby couldn’t react like that. She couldn’t let go; she couldn’t act out. She couldn’t feel the things she felt, so she tried extremely hard to feel nothing at all. And here was Toni, who felt everything so deeply that she lashed out. She let you know exactly what she was thinking and feeling, even if she didn’t share the reasons behind it or the pain that caused it. But Shelby was starting to get it. She was being let in, little by little, and what she saw made her respect and appreciate Toni even more.

And maybe she never handled it well; maybe she enjoyed that anger and attention far more than she should have. She never considered herself a masochist, but she willingly agitated Toni just to get a rise out of her. To get her attention when she felt she wasn’t being noticed by the other girl enough. It was wrong--she knew it even at the time--to use someone else’s pain for her pleasure; but she couldn’t have Toni the way she had wanted her, so she made the rash decision to take what she could get. At least back then, back before Toni made the very valid point of Shelby being free to do whatever she wanted. And it turned out, the only thing she wanted was Toni.

She sighs at her own melodramatic inner dialogue. But it’s true. She doesn’t dare mention it to any of the others, but the day the plane found them and they all thought they were going back home was the day that Shelby realized that she liked being free and she was sick of other people’s expectations. She wanted what she wanted. And what she realized she wanted was to stay on this island and play house with these girls who have come to mean the world to her. To be seen as she was, not as she thought she should be or what she assumed they wanted her to be. She accepted them as they were, and these girls did the same for her. And above all, what Shelby wanted, was a chance with Toni. A  _ real _ chance. She wanted to get it right. To allow herself one sliver of happiness in this dreadful world. And she believed, now more than ever, that she actually deserved it. And so did Toni. She just hopes that Toni’s happiness also includes her.

It is that last thought that has her marching over to Toni, before any more insecurities can make her second guess herself.

She sits down beside her, and the small smile Toni gives her when she arrives is enough to push through with her interrogation before she chickens out.

“So...does this not matter to you?” She asks, but doesn’t have the courage to look at her when she speaks.

“What?” 

Shelby feels Toni’s gaze fall on her with confusion, but she doesn’t back down. She knows better than to provoke her; she has found that she prefers a different kind of attention from Toni now. But she still needs to tell her what’s on her mind. She needs to be brave enough to risk fighting for something she never allowed herself to want before.

“You’re this fiery, passionate person.” As she looks at her for the first time, she can’t help smiling. Because beyond all reason, those are two of the things she finds herself liking most about her. She forces herself to continue by looking away again. “But then last night happens...and you’re just so damn calm...I guess...I guess I just got to thinking that maybe that’s because it didn’t matter to you.”

“Nah, Shelby.” Toni replies in the most infuriating way with a smile that drives Shelby crazy. “It’s because I trust you.”

She’s looking at Shelby with such openness, such honesty that Shelby nearly gets lost in the gaze and turns away self-consciously as she asks. “What the hell did I do to earn that?”

“You saved my life.” Toni replies like it’s easy. Like Shelby matters to her. And now she’s terrified for absolutely different reasons than before.

“Yeah...but what if it all blows up? What if...what if we end up making each other fricken miserable...you know, what if I hurt you?” She pauses uncomfortably, and allows herself to be the most vulnerable she’s ever been. “I’ve hurt people before.” She admits. “Very badly.”

Her mind goes to Becca first. Then settles on a time more recently, when her internalized homophobia nearly cost Toni her life. God, seeing Toni on the brink of death and still refusing help from her broke her in ways she still hasn’t dealt with. Not fully. It tore down the rest of her walls, it made her realize that some things were more important than approval or self-doubt or the acceptance of people thousands of miles away who never truly saw her in the first place. She wasn’t going to be the reason Toni let herself die. 

And she knew she made the right choice, even as Martha lay sick and nearly unconscious in Toni’s arms later that night. Because Toni was yelling at Shelby that she saved the wrong person. That she wasn’t worth it. That she didn’t matter to anyone, and that she had no one...not the way Martha did. And that’s when Shelby knew that Toni would always have her--in whatever capacity she’d accept her, because she was  _ not _ going to let that wonderful girl think she didn’t deserve to live.

She is drawn from her thoughts by Toni’s faraway voice. “What if our plane crashes? And what if we nosedive into the ocean and you know, end up stranded? And what if we end up lost and starving?” Toni looks at her. “All of that already happened. The worst has already fucking happened.” Her eyes burrow into Shelby’s. “I don’t think I’ve got it in me to be that scared about something that could be good.”

Shelby stares at her in awe. How can she not fall for this girl after that speech? How can she not be just as brave? She reaches over to touch her, running her fingers through Toni’s ponytail as they stare at each other. Shelby leans in when she sees Toni’s eyes dart to her lips and back.

This kiss is different from their other ones. This one isn't stolen, or exciting because it feels forbidden or even inevitable like the first one felt (because Fatin was right about the whole sexual tension thing, not that she will ever admit it to her). This one feels more like possibility or maybe a promise. It feels good to know they are both on the same page; that Toni wants this as much as Shelby desperately does. 

Once again, Shelby’s on top as she pins Toni beneath her weight. She extracts herself, with some difficulty, from the kiss to study her.

“Just to clear things up...that was a yes, right?” Toni smirks, only this time it’s sexier than it is infuriating. 

“A ‘yes’ to what? I don’t remember you asking me anything.” Shelby smirks back and laughs when Toni rolls her eyes, but pulls her down into another kiss.

It’s perfect. Toni’s perfect.

Shelby slides off of her, not because she wants to but because she has to. Toni needs to hear this.

Before she can open her mouth, Toni is staring at her with concern. “I know it’s hard and you may need time. I’ll wait.” She smiles with more bravado than the statement merits. “That’s all we’ve got here, right? Time.”

Shelby shakes her head to silence her, and then grabs her hand and holds it in both of her own, pulling Toni to look at her.

“It isn’t about me having doubts about us or this or even myself...not this time.” She brings Toni’s hand to her lips and presses a soft kiss on her fingertips and then threads her fingers through Toni’s and properly holds her hand. “It’s about making sure you don’t have any.”

Toni frowns. “That whole speech...I thought you understood…”

Shelby squeezes her hand. “I understand more than you think.” This time she frowns slightly. “Or I’d like to think I do.”

“Shelby…”

“Toni...when you almost died…”

“Shelby, you don’t have to do this.” 

Shelby wets her lips with her tongue and stares at Toni. “You were mad that I saved you. Not just that it was  _ me  _ who did it, but that we chose you over Martha.”

“Martha’s perfect.” Toni whispers reverently.

“See, that’s what I’m trying to tell you. Martha  _ is  _ amazing and she deserved to live.” She leans into Toni maintaining eye contact when the other girl tries to look at the ground. “But so do you. You are amazing and wonderful and perfect, too.”

Toni scoffs at that.

“To  _ me. _ ” She pulls Toni into her and holds her tightly against her chest. “You deserve to live. You deserve to be happy. You deserve good things, Toni.”

“What and that’s you?” Toni chuckles playfully, but Shelby can hear the tremble in her voice and she feels the warm, wet tears on her neck.

“I hope it is. I want to be.” She holds her tighter. “I’ve always noticed you. From day one I haven’t been able to keep my eyes or...hands...off of you.”

Toni is uncharacteristically silent, but the wetness on Shelby’s neck vastly increases. 

“I’m sorry that I let my own self-loathing make you feel like you were anything less than you are. And if you’ll let me, I plan to make it up to you.”

Toni lifts her head up off Shelby’s shoulder and stares at her so soulfully that Shelby forces herself not to shudder at the intensity of it.

“I’d say that your performance last night went a long way in making it up to me.” She adds a smirk at the end, but Shelby understands Toni enough now that it was her admittance of how much last night meant to her as well. 

They are silent for a while, and it’s full of peace.

Toni pulls away slightly, and her throat bobs as she visibly swallows. “Why me?” She glances at Shelby. “At first, I gave you every reason to hate me. You can’t have possibly found that attractive or even forgivable. So was it just because you are ready to explore your sapphic side and I was your only choice here?”

“It took both of us to fight, Toni. I pushed your buttons as much as you pushed mine.” She tells her honestly. Then sighs as she admits the rest of it. “Your cockiness and self-assurance was...attractive. And I knew that you weren’t all bad with a friend like Martha. I saw the way you are with each other. You may have been a hot-head with me, but you were gentle with her. It made me want to know you, and it pissed me off that I wanted to because you made me feel things I spent my life fighting against.”

Toni nods. “Sorry. Not sorry.”

Shelby laughs and rolls her eyes. “Did I mention that your humility is also a turn on?”

This time Toni laughs and Shelby finds that it’s her new favorite melody.

“Is the reason you gave me a chance...was it pity? Because you only started being nice to me after the whole...teeth thing.” Shelby questions sincerely. 

“Nah…” Toni drags the word out similarly to how she did last time, and the lilt to her voice does things to Shelby. “That was just the first time I realized I might have been wrong about you. I mean, first you saved my life...and then you turned out not to be this unattainable perfect, but very basic bitch…” Toni leans in and presses a soft kiss to Shelby’s forehead. “I guess once I got over my expectations of who I thought you were and who I assumed you thought I was...I just...I saw you. And it turned out that I liked what I saw.”

There’s that gentleness that Toni had only ever displayed with Martha, and Shelby practically incinerates with it directed at her so unexpectedly.

“We should get back to the others though...it’s been awhile, and we already used up the ‘we got lost’ excuse last time, so if we don’t want them to expect anything we should…” Toni starts but Shelby interrupts her.

“I don’t care if they know. I am sick of hiding who I am.” Her eyes bore into Toni’s as she continues, “And what I want.”

“As sexy as your newfound confidence and possessiveness is...I think you may be under-estimating the boredom we’re all facing and how much this new development will be scrutinized and I mean...girls and their drama, you know?”

Shelby narrows her eyes. “Are you...are you trying to protect me?”

“I would never! You can hunt and you are a very multi-faceted, complex beauty pageant Queen…” She smirks again as she drops a kiss to Shelby’s lips quickly and then retreats to study her. “I just wanted you to know what you would be in for, and to let you know that I understand if you’re not ready for all of that yet. But I also know that you’re stronger than any of us, and those bitches better behave if they know what’s good for them.”

“Are you counting Martha among those bitches?” Shelby teases.

“She’s the very best of us.”

“Now see, I agree that Martha’s amazing, but from where I’m standing...you give her a run for her money.”

“How do you do that?” Toni asks with amazement.

“Do what?”

“Say things like that...and make me believe it?” Toni whispers.

“Beauty Queen trade secret.” Shelby whispers back as she kisses her again.

“I fucking knew it!” Fatin’s voice rings out in the tranquility that had previously settled between them.

Shelby feels Toni tense, so she holds her ground and pulls away from the kiss slowly.

“What happened to your lips being sealed?” Shelby asks with annoyance.

“Why do you think I’m here? The others were starting to worry that you were offing each other…” She smirks. “You know, instead of getting each other off.” She laughs at her own joke and Shelby actually smiles at that. “Anyway, I offered to look for you and you best be glad I did.”

Toni stands up and dusts herself off. “Don’t you think that volunteering to actually do work is more suspicious than the two of us disappearing?”

Fatin shakes her head with a wide smile. “Toni doesn’t like to get cock-blocked. Duly noted.”

“Look, Fatin. We appreciate that you were looking out for us.” Shelby weaves her hand through Toni’s. “But we’ve got nothing to hide.”

Fatin’s eyes widen. “Shit?! Really?”

“If I can’t be myself here, then where can I be?” Shelby answers.

Fatin stares at her with what Shelby assumes is pride. “Looks like you got your answers after all.” She bows exaggeratedly. “You’re welcome.”

Toni looks between them. “You...talked to Fatin...about me?”

Shelby shrugs. “I didn’t know how to talk to you...and Fatin is surprisingly easy to confide in.”

“Hey! I resent that. I am amazing.”

“You are.” Shelby tells her honestly. 

Toni rubs the back of her neck nervously. “I guess...thank you, Fatin. For being a good friend to Shelby.” She shakes her head. “No, thank you for being a good friend to all of us. I know you think we don’t notice...or that I don’t, because I...well, I suck at having like, feelings and shit…”

Shelby watches Toni fondly before turning her attention to Fatin and is surprised to see tears in her eyes.

“But you’ve been really great, like...through all of this. You’ve kept most of us sane, by just...accepting us as we are and...fuck.” Toni wipes at her own tears. “I blame Shelby, because she made me all vulnerable and...I just...you’re solid, dude.”

“Toni, I love sex and I’ve already admitted to enjoying threesomes, but…” She points between the three of them, “this is not happening.”

Shelby and Toni burst into laughter. Fatin smiles softly at them.

“I’m happy for both of you, it’s high time someone on this island gets some action besides Martha and Marcus.”

The three of them laugh again as they make their way back toward the others happily.They only make it about halfway before they see Dot and Martha walking towards them. Toni drops hold of Shelby’s hand as she walks ahead of them to Martha and allows herself to be enveloped in a hug by her friend. Shelby misses the soft warmth of Toni’s hand in hers, but she can’t help enjoying Toni’s easy smile and the way the best friends are with each other. It’s what drew them to both of them to begin with. 

“Holy shit!” Dot announces with wide eyes and the smile drops from Shelby’s face.

“What is it?” She asks with concern.

Dot stares at her dumbfoundedly. “You and Toni, for real? I didn’t see that coming at all.”

Fatin snickers at the word choice as she mutters “cuming” underneath her breath so that only Shelby and Dot can hear her. Dot laughs and points at her and Fatin smiles broadly with a wink. Shelby can’t even find it in herself to feel embarrassed or upset.

“But really? When did it happen? How did it happen? I have so many questions.” Dot continues.

Shelby shrugs. “The first time was after my meltdown about my teeth.”

Dot’s mouth drops open and Fatin stares at her in awe.

“Fuck. I assumed that the whole ‘woe is me, sexual tension thing was because you were having trouble fighting the urge...not that you were horny and wanted to do it again.” Fatin breaths out with astonishment. “I mean, congrats, Shelby.”

“To be clear, we only had sex once and it was last night.” Shelby clarifies.

“So the whole ‘lost’ thing was…” Dot asks, fishing for details.

Shelby glances at Toni and Martha who are talking animatedly in front of her and wonders if Martha is giving Toni the third degree. She wonders what Toni is saying about her. If Toni is smiling at the mere mention of the memory of them together. Then she worries about Martha’s acceptance of them. Of her.

“Nope, you do not get to be all in your head right now talking yourself out of being happy.” Dot tells her.

“Dorothy’s right. You deserve all the orgasms, Shelby.” Fatin says seriously.

Shelby rolls her eyes. “It isn’t about...can we please not talk about... _ that _ , right now?”

“Does that mean you’ll give us the details later?” Fatin wonders hopefully. “Let a girl live vicariously.”

They walk a little further until Shelby answers her. “It’s...new and exciting...and terrifying...but still, somehow, perfect. She’s perfect.” Shelby bites her lip nervously. “But not, perfect. If that makes sense. Like, she’s real and struggles and has her own pain and trauma...but, instead of scaring me off, it makes me feel less alone. It makes me feel like...my stuff, that it’s okay, and that so am I. The way she looks at me and sees me. The way…”

“Oh shit, so it’s not just you experimenting or like, because you’re lonely on an island full of ladies and…” Dot trails off.

Fatin shakes her head. “Wow. I was teasing before, but really, well done. You figured your shit out and you’re going for what you want. I’m really fucking proud of you, Shelby.” 

Shelby smiles at that and wipes at her eyes, because she feels too much of everything right now and she’s crying and it feels...right. That’s the word for it all. Right.

“Fatin’s right, you deserve to be happy, Shelby. And I can honestly say that I don’t think I ever saw you smile as genuinely as I did when I saw you just now. And I don’t think Martha noticed the hand holding, if you want to keep it a secret for now or whatever. But it was nice to see you that...at peace.” Dot tells her and it makes Shelby feel things again.

“You guys!” Shelby breaths out loud enough to make Toni turn around and their eyes meet.

She nods in answer to Toni’s unasked question. But the concern she saw lacing her beautiful features makes Shelby’s heart flutter. 

“Gah, I take it all back. You’re too adorable and I’m going to puke.” Fatin teases.

Shelby playfully slaps her and Fatin and Dot laugh along with her. They walk in silence a while longer until they’re at the edge of camp.

“For the record, I’m not planning on hiding us. I’m not ashamed anymore, especially not of Toni.” Shelby tells them and smiles wider when she sees the pride in their faces.

Then Fatin’s eyes turn mischievous. And dread sets in.

“What?” She wonders as fear slips into her voice.

“Come on, it’s nothing bad.” Fatin says. “But...what if you don’t say anything and you wait until they figure it out. See how long it takes.”

Dot’s eyes light up. “Oooh, that could be fun.” Then she frowns. “Leah will be on to you in minutes.”

“Yes, that wickedly perceptive bitch.” Fatin agrees amicably.

“You know, Nora is the smartest one here...but Leah, I underestimated what she has to offer.” Dot adds thoughtfully.

Fatin nods her head as her eyes glaze over. “I’m sure she has a lot to offer.”

“Eww, Fatin. Can you  _ not  _ think about sex for five minutes?” Dot groans. 

“I’m sorry. It’s just...it’s been awhile, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t imagine helping her get over that ex she’s hung up on. She gets these intense eyes when she thinks about him, and it’s hard not to imagine that intensity directed elsewhere.”

“I was talking about her ingenuity.” Dot redirects the conversation back to the topic at hand, but then her eyes narrow. “Do  _ not _ make that suggestive. It wasn’t a euphemism.”

Fatin laughs. “Oh, come on, Dorothy. You’re still my number one girl.”

“Only because I’m handy with…” She rolls her eyes. “Nevermind, you’ll make whatever I say next sound dirty.”

Fatin grins and Shelby stares at them with amusement. 

“You two are...I don’t even know how I’d describe you.” She tells them fondly. “You’re like an old married couple.”

“Excuse you, I am not old.” Fatin counters. “And this one won’t put a ring on it, believe me, I tried.”

Dot cackles. “Fatin, please never change.”

They are close enough to the others now that their banter is interrupted.

“Well, look who that cat dragged in!” Rachel yells from her spot at the bonfire.

Toni and Martha sit down beside Nora, but there is empty space between where Toni sat and Leah is sitting, so Shelby makes her way nonchalantly (at least she hopes she does) over to her and sits a respective distance from her. Fatin squeezes in between Shelby and Leah which makes Shelby raise an eyebrow at the girl who simply shrugs at her in return. Dot sits across from them, next to Rachel.

“We were discussing sending out another search party.” Leah tells them.

“That’s not true. We were talking about where to bury the bodies.” Nora admits.

Fatin turns to Shelby and whispers. “See, they had it all wrong.”

Shelby shoves her playfully and she falls into Leah’s lap, seemingly on purpose, and rather than move away, makes herself a bit more comfortable. Leah simply rolls her eyes at her but rests her hand on Fatin’s waist when she settles into her. Shelby files that away for later.

“We may have taken bets on who killed who.” Leah says sheepishly. “We’re glad you’re all okay though. Really.”

Toni sits up straighter. “But you had me winning the bet, right?” She asks with avid curiosity.

“Well, I mean...Shelby had that epic meltdown.” Rachel counters with a smirk.

“And she did pin you.” Nora adds.

“I was on the brink of death! I could totally take her!” Toni argues and as adorable as a riled up Toni is, Shelby feels the need to egg her on.

“Oh, honey, in your dreams.” She teases with an exaggerated accent, because she knows Toni hates it.

The spark she sees in Toni’s eyes turns her on and she buries her hands in the sand so they don’t do something stupid like pull her into a kiss in front of everyone.

Fatin cackles so loudly and sincerely that she falls further into Leah’s lap. Shelby sees the instant that Leah puts it together and realizes the truth about Toni and Shelby. Her eyes widen and she stares at Shelby with intensity, before she glances at Toni and then drops her eyes to Fatin. Fatin sobers instantly, and glances at Shelby and then Dot. Dot smirks with pride at having called it.

To her credit though, Leah doesn’t say anything. The group has gone silent and that’s when Shelby realizes the vacancy of Toni’s spot. She frowns and looks past the fire to see the girl pacing frantically.

“You dodged a bullet.” Rachel confirms. “I don’t know how she learned to get that anger under control, but you’re lucky.”

Fatin and Leah are shaking with silent laughter and Dot shakes her head.

“What’s so funny?” Martha asks, sounding frustrated. “And Shelby, I thought you and Toni had gotten past the petty fighting? You need to cut her some slack, she’s a good person.”

“I know she is!” Shelby all but yells. “I swear, this wasn’t a fight. This was…”

“Foreplay?” Fatin offers very unhelpfully.

Shelby rolls her eyes. “Shut up.”

It has no edge to it, and that’s when Leah finally voices her thoughts.

“Fatin’s right, though. Isn’t she? You’re...like, together. Or want to be. Or...I’m not sure what, but something happened and it has nothing to do with hatred.”

Shelby glances up and sees that Toni has stopped pacing and is standing outside the fire staring at her intently. Shelby knows that whatever she chooses, Toni will follow her lead. She told her as much earlier. But she doesn’t want to hide from this.

“We slept together last night. And we’ve been making out all afternoon. Well, not the whole time, we also discussed some things that…” She closes her eyes and shakes her head. “Fatin’s right.”

She smiles at Toni and it warms her heart when Toni smiles back widely. Then she scans the rest of the crowd. Nora looks surprised but accepting, Rachel looks confused and Martha looks...disappointed. Shelby swallows the hurt that the look causes her.

“I have so many questions.” Leah admits, but then shakes her head. “But that doesn’t matter. Congratulations.” She tells them honestly.

“Thank you.” Shelby replies and relaxes when Toni sits back down beside her and curls into her. 

Shelby instantly wraps her arms around her and they hold hands as well, with Shelby nervously playing with Toni’s fingers as she awaits the onslaught of questions she figures are heading her way.

“I’m still trying to process this.” Rachel says into the silence.

“Well, while you process…” Fatin sits up and scoots her body so she’s facing Shelby and Toni. “I need deets. Spill.”

“Come on, don’t put her on the spot.” Toni tells Fatin and it’s nice to feel Toni’s protectiveness expand to include her, but also, Shelby didn’t need to be protected from this.

“What can I say...who knew sex could be so enjoyable?” She answers suggestively and genuinely.

Everyone laughs, and immediately Fatin, Leah and Rachel raise their hands. Then sheepishly, Nora does as well which starts a whole new round of whooping laughter. It’s when Toni’s hand raises guiltily that Shelby feels her face go red. Not just out of embarrassment, but with something that burned far hotter and that she is currently unwilling to name.

“I mean, I knew Toni would get some on this island.” Fatin says conversationally. “I just assumed I’d be the one giving it to her.” She smirks. “That’s not actually true. After your display with the mussel and your spitfire attitude, I absolutely imagined other things you could do with that tongue of yours.” She shrugs. “I would have taken one for the team.”

This time, only Dot, Rachel and Nora laugh. Martha, Shelby and Leah stare at Fatin slack jawed, and Toni is practically leaning over Shelby with a smirk on her face.

“Really? Is that what made your toothbrush wear out?”

Fatin licks her lips and her eyes sparkle. “I told you I never did that…”

“I knew you lied about that!” Leah says, finally recovering enough to extend an eye roll in Fatin’s direction.

“Aww, don’t be jealous, love.” Fatin bats her eyelashes playfully at Leah. “You made a few appearances as well. I wouldn’t mind making you forget all about your broken heart.”

Leah swallows audibly and doesn’t reply, but Shelby notices her eyes travel the length of Fatin’s body and then settles on her lips briefly before she closes her eyes and shakes her head. And awkward silence envelops the circle.

“It’s getting late, I think I’m going to head to bed.” Shelby announces louder than the situation warranted. 

As she attempts to stand up, it looks like Toni is struggling with whether or not she’s supposed to follow her. Before Shelby can answer, Rachel replies.

“Nope. No sex on the beach. That goes for everyone. Masturbating included. I am not letting you turn our camp into a sex party.” 

“Come on, we can be quiet. You never heard any of us masturbating before.” Fatin responds with a smirk which causes both Shelby and Leah to cough awkwardly.

Then Shelby’s eyes widen and her gaze falls on Toni. “You can’t be serious.”

Toni shrugs. 

“I swear we already had this conversation. You liked getting off in the hot tub, remember?” Fatin tells her which causes Shelby to blush profusely.

“I'm just gonna…” She stands up and walks quickly away.

She both loves and hates these girls. She thinks she’s currently leaning more toward the  _ strongly dislike _ part of the spectrum right now. Shelby sighs and runs her fingers through her hair as she tries to even out her breathing. When someone falls into step beside her, she assumes it’s Toni. But she’s wrong.

“Is Toni who you were talking about when you said we all just want to be loved?” Leah asks her point blank.

Shelby stops walking and faces Leah. “At the time, I was speaking in general. That’s what we all want, yeah?”

“Yeah.” Leah agrees quietly.

“But...I guess, Toni had also been on my mind.” She admits.

“How’d you get her to forgive you?” Leah squeezes her eyes shut and when she opens them, she appears apologetic. “I realize the homophobia was more internalized than directed at Toni, but that had to be hard to come back from. And I’m not asking because I don’t think you’re good together or anything like that...it’s more...I guess, I want to know how to move beyond something like that? When you hurt someone and then realize you actually care about them. I guess I'm curious. But also...not.” She frowns. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why my words aren’t coming out coherently. I’m not judging you. At all. I know it might sound like that, but I’m not.”

Shelby studies her. She didn’t consider Leah as much as she did some of the others, but listening to Fatin and Dot describe her today, and the moment they shared a few days ago, she realizes that she underestimated the girl. And she misjudged her. Leah wasn’t any more screwed up than any of the others. Or any worse off than she, herself, was. And Leah was smart. And she actually seemed to truly care about people...when she let herself. When she wasn’t caught up in her own shit. And yeah, she was paranoid a lot of the time and she was wrong about Shelby in the most basic of ways. But she was usually really good at reading people. And the situation. And...that’s when Shelby realizes what, or rather  _ who,  _ Leah is talking about.

“This is about Fatin. The two of you fight nearly as much as me and Toni and...it’s for the same reasons, isn’t it?”

Leah stares at her with wide eyes. “I honestly don’t know. I don’t know what it means to her and I certainly don’t have a clue what it means for me. I loved someone so much and it destroyed me. But...everything about that was a lie. I lied to him about my age, about my likes and dislikes and even random, small, and inconsequential things. I lost myself with him. And I don’t know if I’ve found myself yet. But Fatin...she saw through all the bullshit. She doesn’t let me lie, even about little things. She calls me out and it’s so frustrating, but it’s also...it’s refreshing to be seen like that. To not have to hide pieces of myself.” She sits down and runs her hands through her hair. Then she looks up at Shelby with sincerity in her big, bright eyes. “But you get it. Don’t you? I can tell you understand.”

Shelby smiles and sits beside her. “Toni drove me crazy from day one. And that wasn’t even because of her temper. She’s infuriatingly beautiful and cocky and confident. Like, it seems to come naturally to her--that charm and charisma. When she isn’t pissed off at the world and hating everyone in it, at least.”

Leah smiles with her. “I’m going to have to take your word for it. On the charm thing, she sort of intimidates me.” Leah shakes her head. “And that’s the thing, though, isn’t it? The ones hiding the most pain are usually the ones with the biggest walls. Fatin, Toni...and Rachel. Dude, I wonder what  _ that  _ girl’s trauma is. I mean, besides losing her spot on the team and what was probably her identity. Fuck. We’re all a mess.” She sighs. “I used to think I had you all pegged, and I thought that I…” She looks nervously at her fingers as she digs them through the sand. “I thought that my pain was more real than all of yours. Like that my problems were bigger and justified and the rest of you were entitled…” She looks at Shelby with pleading eyes as she bites her bottom lip. “God, I was an asshole. How did you even put up with me?”

Shelby shakes her head. “Do you remember how we started this conversation...with a question about  _ my  _ sins?” She raises her hand in the air. “Guilty as charged.” Then she smiles at Leah and pats her on the knee. “I know I’ve grown out here. I like who I am when I allow myself to stop hiding and pretending. I think that’s something we all have in common. Wouldn’t you agree?”

“You’re right, I like you better now that you’ve gotten the stick out of your ass.” Leah smirks at her. “But thank you, I know what you mean. I like who I’ve been becoming away from him. Away from what he made me. And even though I know I’m still figuring it out...I like that I have the space to do that here, with you all--without judgement.” She rests her hand on Shelby’s. “And...and I am trying to be better about not judging others. Meet them where they are, you know?”

“I like that.”

“And I know that you owe me nothing and that I have no right to say it...but, I feel like I should warn you on Toni’s behalf not to hurt her. I can tell you care, anyone with eyes can see it now. But...the anger she carries...I can’t imagine what kind of pain that is used to cover up. And no one should have to be in that much pain all the time. So, if you can make her happy, if you can make each other happy. I think that no one deserves it more.” She shrugs. “Not that you asked for my opinion or anything. But, yeah.”

And Shelby can’t help it. She hugs her tightly, which causes Leah to stiffen in her arms.

“Not sure that was the reaction I was expecting.” Leah chuckles into Shelby’s hair, and it tickles so she shivers as she pulls away from her.

“Thank you. For looking out for Toni. I promise that I have no intention of hurting her. And...for the record, she makes me very happy already, and...it’s...it’s a new feeling for me, but I really like it.”

Leah smiles at that. “It suits you.”

“And as for your earlier question...about forgiveness...I don’t think you’re as irredeemable as you seem to think you are. I’m pretty sure all you have to do is ask. Or you know, apologize.”

Leah smiles. “I...thank you.”

They sit in a comfortable silence for a little while as the chatter in the distance grows quiet.

“I think most of them have gone to bed by now.” Leah states unnecessarily. “Maybe we should head back?”

Shelby nods and stands, and then she reaches down to help Leah up. They walk together back to the campsite. Only Dot, Fatin and Toni are still awake.

“Aww, you waited up for us.” Shelby teases, but her eyes soften as they land on a very tired Toni. “You didn’t have to, but I appreciate it.” She says quieter and directly to Toni as she sits beside her and kisses her temple.

“I fucking hate how adorable the two of you are.” Fatin groans even as she smiles at them.

Toni wraps an arm around Shelby and pulls her closer to her. Shelby feels safe and warm, and something else entirely new. It should scare her that she doesn’t have a name for it yet, but it doesn’t.

Leah is sitting beside Fatin, but there’s a distance that wasn’t there when they left. Shelby feels for the girl, she knows what it’s like to be confused by your own heart. And she hopes that they both figure it out soon.

“So today was eventful.” Dot says into the silence. 

“Aren’t they all?” Leah asks.

“That is true.” Dot admits. “But this time...it ended on a good note, I think. I feel like we’ve finally turned a corner, and we’re becoming a more cohesive unit now.”

“Like a team.” Toni offers.

“Yes! B team Junior Varsity, but still a team.” Dot explains.

They smile at that.

“Has anyone ever told you that you don’t give the best pep talks.” Toni tells her fondly.

“Oh, that’s right, you prefer pep squad captain over there.” Dot smirks.

Toni blushes at ducks her head even as she flips Dot the finger, which causes Fatin and Leah to laugh at her. Shelby finds it utterly adorable though, and whispers it in her ear.

“Toni, you’re already whipped? And here I was thinking you were a top.” Fatin teases.

Toni rolls her eyes and laughs. “I think you have spent far too much time thinking about my sexual prowess, don’t you?”

That shuts Fatin up as Dot laughs and high fives Toni for the burn. Shelby glances at Leah and they share a sad smile together. Somehow, Leah is the one who understands that the playful banter that borders on flirting doesn’t seem as innocent or funny anymore, now that there are other people’s feelings involved. And Shelby is beyond surprised to realize that Leah gets her more than she would care to admit. She is both calmed and frustrated by that truth. 

Dot goes to bed a few minutes later, when the silence turns more awkward than not. Leah isn’t far behind. Soon, it’s just Fatin, Toni and Shelby and Shelby is growing more and more uncomfortable with the silence.

“So, you and Leah had a long talk.” Fatin states softly, but Shelby can sense the question there. 

She glances at Toni and sees the same question in her eyes. But it’s not her place to tell them what was discussed.

“We did. It’s personal though...and I would rather not talk about it.” She tells them.

Fatin nods and then dismisses herself. Toni waits a few extra minutes before speaking.

“Are you okay?” She asks.

Shelby nods, because she is. Now, that they are alone, she is. She hears Toni’s audible swallow from beside her and turns to look at her.

“Are  _ we  _ okay?” Toni asks with a shaky voice.

Shelby’s eyes widen and she gathers Toni in her arms. “Yes, of course we are.”

“Okay, it’s just...you’ve been...subdued since you got back. Since a little before you left actually.” Toni says. “If I did anything, I’m sorry. Or if them all knowing freaks you out...we can slow down...push pause or something.”

Shelby frowns at that. “That’s how it is, the minute things get hard...you bail.”

Toni’s eyes widen. “What? No.” She sighs. “Shelby...I know I’m intense and have anger issues and...that can all be a lot sometimes. My last girlfriend...I got dumped because I didn’t know when to walk away...when to let go. I just…”

“I’m not scared of you, Toni. I’m not going anywhere and I’m definitely not asking you to.”

Toni stares at her. “And that’s what terrifies me.”

“I scare you?”

She shakes her head. “You’ve always stood up to me, since day one. You provoke me, you get in my face...you fucking tackled me and force fed me medication. Fatin’s right...I’m used to being the aggressive one. I’m used to scaring people away.”

“Fatin…” Shelby rolls her eyes with annoyance at the mention of the other girl but then she decides against going down that path and redirects her efforts. “Look, you don’t scare me because I can guarantee that whatever the worst thing you think you’ve ever done...I’ve done worse. And if that doesn’t scare  _ you  _ away, then I think we’re good.”

And she tells her about Becca and how she treated the most important person in her life and what that did to her. And Toni listens attentively, her eyes never wavering. Shelby takes a deep breath, then releases it shakily as she finally forces herself to look at Toni for the first time since she started her confession.

“Please, say something…” She begs.

Toni gathers her up in her arms and holds her to her as she rocks them back and forth for what feels like an eternity, but also not long enough. She rubs her hand across Shelby’s back before settling it on her shoulder and pushes Shelby away slightly and peers into her eyes intensely. 

“I’m sorry you lost your best friend, Shelby. And I won’t say that what you did wasn’t bad, because I would never lie to you. But she made the choice, Shelby. And it sucks that you have to live with it.” She swallows. “I know you’re not that same person. I know that you regretted it even as you said it. I know you Shelby, and you’re not a bad person. In fact, you’re one of the best ones I know.”

Shelby releases a strangled breath that turns from relieved laughter into a sob. She clings to Toni.

“I thought...I thought if anyone knew about what I did...if they knew what I was capable of...that I could hurt someone I loved to protect myself...I thought if I ever said those words out loud...I was worried that even God wouldn’t love me.” She wipes at her wet eyes, but it’s no use with how fast the tears are falling so she gives up. “I’ve come to terms since I’ve been out here that God made me and you and he doesn’t make mistakes and you’re...there’s no way that feeling like this is wrong. You know? God is love. And...I thought, okay, maybe God still loves me even though I’m gay...but, I worried that he wouldn’t forgive me for what I did to Becca.”

“Shelby…”

“How could he? How can he forgive me? How can he love me? How can anyone?”

“Shelby…”

“I just...I’m sorry for how I treated you. And it wasn’t for the reasons you think.”

“What?”

“I didn’t pick fights with you because I hated what you were, Toni. I picked fights, because I wanted you to notice me. I wanted you to pay attention to me.” She sighs loudly and pushes herself further away from Toni. “I’m a mess. How can you even look at me right now?”

“I think you’re beautiful.” 

Shelby scoffs. “I have blotchy skin from crying, my nose is running and as you so wonderfully reminded me, my hair looks like it got cut by a toddler.”

Toni laughs and rolls her eyes. “Yes. And I still think you’re beautiful, Shelby. Because you’re real. And you make mistakes and you fuck up, but you try. That’s all any of us can do. You’re not the same person you were when we landed on this island. None of us are. And I think that’s a good thing. I know I like myself a hell of a lot better than I did before we got here.”

Shelby stares at her in awe. Toni kisses Shelby’s forehead which causes her eyes to flutter shut. Then she kisses each of Shelby’s eyelids gently. Then Toni presses the softest, most barely there kiss to her lips.

“This is me trying…” She sings softly which forces Shelby’s eyes to pop open in surprise.

“You’re singing.” She breathes out. “And Taylor Swift of all things.”

“I had to bring out the big guns for my girl.”

_ My  _ girl. Shelby never desired to be claimed so thoroughly in her life. She loves the sound of those words together. And she decides against commenting on it because she doesn’t want to break the spell by saying something that she isn’t sure she’s ready for yet. Or if Toni is ready to hear it. Instead, she kisses her soundly. And they go to bed shortly after, her arms wrapped securely around Toni’s waist. It’s the best night’s sleep Shelby has ever gotten in her life.

She startles awake sometime in the early morning, when a presence settles in the sand near her head. Shelby’s eyes pop open, and then she squints in confusion when she sees Nora digging the toe of her right shoe into the cool sand.

“Do you love her?” Nora asks Shelby without eye contact as she stares into the early dawn sunrise.

Shelby slowly and carefully extracts herself from Toni and sits up to face Nora. 

“I…” She lowers her voice to barely a whisper. “I’ve never been in love. How do you know for sure?”

Nora glances at her and then makes shapes in the sand with her fingers as she talks. “You just know. It’s how they make you feel. About yourself. About the world.” She squeezes one of her hands in the sand as if she’s frustrated or, perhaps, she doesn’t realize she’s even doing it. “They make you better, not because you need to be better or because you are not complete without them. It’s more than that. It’s…” She releases her grip on the sand and brushes her hands awkwardly on her pants, spraying Shelby with it. “It’s because they see you and that makes you feel alive. Like you really exist, like maybe you never did before and you do now. Or...they bring you back to life.” She frowns and glances at Shelby again. “It’s stupid, really. I probably don’t make any sense.”

Shelby shakes her head emphatically and reaches between them to pat Nora’s knee. “It’s not stupid. I understand what you mean. It’s like...you’ve been living in a different world...a darker, one. A lonelier one. One that you didn’t understand. And then...suddenly, you’re part of their world and their world is so much better than the one you were living in. Because they are in it, and they...they understand you. Everyone wants to be understood and seen.”

Nora nods and shifts awkwardly.

“So, you were in love then. Are you still together? Are they waiting for you...when all of this is over?” Shelby wonders.

Nora shakes her head and pushes Shelby’s hand away. “He’s dead.”

Shelby’s eyes widen and her heart hurts for the other girl.

“Nora, I’m so sorry.”

“Why?” Nora stares at her. “You weren’t the one that killed him.”

Shelby doesn’t know how to answer that, so she remains quiet.

“Do you know what’s worse than losing someone you love when they die?” Nora asks while looking out at the other girls who are sleeping.

“I don’t know.” Shelby admits.

“Losing someone who is still alive.” Her gaze settles on Rachel. “I think it’s worse to love someone who doesn’t love you back.”

Shelby swallows thickly and lets her hand rest on Toni’s hair softly, as she lightly runs her fingers through it. She’s careful not to wake her. Yeah, maybe that would be the worst. Feeling this way about someone, and not having them feel the same way back. Her gaze lands on Fatin and Leah, they are lying facing each other and Fatin’s hand is resting on Leah’s in the small space between them. They look peaceful while they sleep, and Shelby briefly wonders if something changed between them last night. If they finally talked to each other. She hopes they did.

“I’m glad you love Toni.” Nora says as she stands up.

“I don’t...I never said…” Shelby fumbles with her words as her eyes leave the others and settle back on Nora.

Nora smiles at her for the first time during this whole conversation. “You didn’t have to. I’ve been watching you both. And I see things that other people miss.”

Shelby stares at her hopefully. “Are you saying...she loves me, too?”

“I see a lot of things. You should talk to her.”

“I will, but, Nora please? Does she?” She knows she’s begging now, and it isn’t at all beneath her to do it.

“I like Toni when she’s with you. She doesn’t hurt as much. And I like you when you let others in. You light up like the sky during a sunrise and I think that’s beautiful.”

Shelby’s eyes water. “I...I’m sorry I didn’t see you before, Nora. But I do now.”

Nora nods and avoids eye contact again.

“I see you, Nora. And I think your sister is starting to see you, too. Don’t give up on her, okay?” Shelby tells her.

“I never do.” Nora whispers as she walks away.

This was one of the strangest and somehow most meaningful conversations she has had while on the island, and it makes her realize how much she missed out on in the lives of these girls all because she was stuck in her own head. She’s sick of being frustrated that they don’t recognize the real her, while she’s been blind to who they are. She won’t let that happen anymore. She had been accused of being annoying with her group bonding and ice breakers before, but she is all in on getting these girls to bond for real. Starting with Rachel and Nora. 

Shelby sits in silence for a little while before she notices Dot is up and moving around so she walks over to her and sits beside her.

“Who do you think changed the most since we’ve been here?” Shelby asks her casually.

Dot shrugs. “Not sure it’s so much about changing than realizing that I made some judgments about people here that I was entirely wrong about.” Dot looks at her. “You for sure. But Fatin as well. Boy was I wrong about that girl.”

Shelby nods. “I think...for me...it was underestimating people. Or maybe, underestimating what they could mean to me.” 

Dot studies her. “So you really care about her. I mean, it’s obvious, but…”

Shelby hums in agreement. “Well, yeah. But I was actually talking about you. And the others. We’ve come a long way, all of us. But to realize that we’d gone to school with each other for years and never said more than a few words to each other...and now, look at us?”

Dot smiles. “Yeah, you’re not so bad. On most days.”

Shelby rolls her eyes playfully. 

“But seriously, I was alone most of my life. Taking care of my Dad. He always worried that I was living so much for him that I forgot to live for myself.”

“Were you?” Shelby wonders.

Dot shrugs and shakes her head. “Looking back, I think I used him as an excuse not to try. As long as I was on the fringes, drug dealing and all that…” She smirks, but Shelby can tell this conversation is hard for her. “I think that if you really try to fit in and make friends, and fail at it...that hurts worse than not trying at all. So I just didn’t try. I didn’t think I had anything to offer anyone. My heart was consumed with caring for my dad, I didn’t have much left to give anyone else. And...and I didn’t think anyone would want it anyway.”

“Dot…”

“No, it’s okay.” She sighs. “I mean, look at us. All of us. I think we needed this...well, not the stranded on a deserted island fighting for our lives part...but each other. I think we needed to learn that we  _ can  _ matter to someone. That we  _ are  _ good enough. At least, I needed it.”

Shelby smiles at her. “I absolutely needed it. And for the record, I think you’re pretty awesome and I regret not taking the time to learn that earlier. You know, before I needed to rely on your survival skills.”

She feels someone approaching them and cuts her eyes away from Dot to see Leah.

“Morning.” Leah says through a yawn. “Surprised you’re up already...assumed you’d have had a long night.”

Shelby blushes at that and remains quiet.

“I mean, not judging or anything. God knows someone deserves to get some around here.” Leah continues. “Or...you know, be happy or whatever.”

Dot shakes her head and walks away from them as if she’s over the awkwardness or maybe just the conversation.

“I didn’t mean to interrupt, I…” Leah tells Shelby.

“It’s fine. We were just talking about how much things changed. Dot and I knew each other from before. We went to school together, but this is the first time we actually talked...not today, obviously, but here on the island.”

“Really?” Her eyes drift toward the sleeping girls. “I’ve thought about it before...how we all knew at least one other person. Besides, Jeanette. You and Dot. Me and Fatin. Rachel and Nora. And Martha and Toni. But what’s weird...is that besides Toni and Martha...I don’t think you could have picked someone so different for each of us. Nora and Rachel obviously have their problems. And...of all the people in school...Fatin is the person I thought I hated most. Which is weird, because I never really had a conversation with her either. I was so wrong about her in so many ways.” She pauses as if she said too much. “Was that the same with you and Dot?”

“We just never interacted, I barely knew her at all. Only heard about her dad through the regular gossip channels.”

Leah’s eyes widen as she realizes she learned something that she probably wasn’t meant to know. “I didn’t know...he’s...did he die?”

Shelby nods imperceptibly. 

“God, I can’t imagine.” She shakes her head. “If you think about it...the fact that we were all so different and...there were issues between even the ones that know each other...don’t you wonder, if there’s more to Martha and Toni than we know? Not saying I suspect them of anything notorious or anything.” She raises her right hand. “Scout’s honor, I’m trying to get over that paranoia shit. I just...do you wonder?”

“You mean, individually...or if they aren’t as close as they seem?”

“Both, I guess.”

“I know Toni...I know some of what she went through.”

She doesn’t elaborate, because it isn’t her place.

“I’m not trying to compare my trauma to anyone else’s, because it’s not a contest and honestly, Fatin made me realize that some of mine...a lot of mine...may have been more...self-inflicted. Like, I lied to the guy I loved because I was underage and when he found out, he dumped me. And it broke my heart...but...it wasn't love, you know? Love can’t be built on a lie, no matter how much I wanted it to be.” She kicks at the sand nervously. “I was so paranoid about the reasons we were here, and the reasons that we never got rescued...and...it might make me sound crazy to admit this, but I’ve gotten used to it here. It’s...I like you guys, and I like...I’ve realized that I like  _ this  _ me, too. Like you said before.” She pauses slightly before continuing, like she isn’t sure she wants to. “There are a lot of risks to us being here. Starving, drowning, killing each other.” She shrugs and smiles awkwardly. “And somehow, it’s safer than it felt out there. And I think I’m happier.” She looks at Shelby. “How crazy does that make me sound?”

Shelby maintains eye contact and tells her seriously, “You’re only crazy, if I am. Because I feel the same way.”

Eventually, Leah looks away and sighs. “I apologized to Fatin, like you suggested.”

“How’d it go?” 

“She told me there was nothing to apologize for. Which is a lie, because I have  _ so much  _ to make up for.”

Shelby shakes her head. “Not if she tells you there isn’t.”

Leah stares at her in confusion.

“If someone forgives you...you don’t get to tell them that their forgiveness isn’t enough...that you have to do more to earn it. You accept it. Because they bestowed you with their grace...and they may be better people than you for doing so, and you may feel like you don’t deserve it. But you don’t get a say in how  _ they  _ feel. It’s selfish of you to tell them that they were wrong in forgiving you.”

Leah’s mouth drops open. “Well, shit.” She shakes her head. “Christianity may have some good in it after all.”

Shelby smirks. “I mean, it does. But I actually learned that here, from all of you. Not from church.”

Leah chuckles at that. “Like I said, it doesn’t matter the reasons we’re here anymore. It matters that we  _ are  _ here, and that being here makes us better people. That’s what I choose to take away from it, anyway.”

Shelby nods then glances at the sleeping girls as well. “So...you apologized and she forgave you. What’s next?”

Leah follows her line of sight. “Didn’t really think that far ahead. Guess the ball’s in her court now. I still have a lot of  _ me  _ work to do, so I’m okay not to rush into things.”

The girls start to stir awake.

“I was going to…” Shelby points to her teeth. “I know that the truth is out in the open and all, but I still feel more comfortable cleaning this in private. If you’ll excuse me.”

“For sure. Go ahead.” She steps closer to her. “And Shelby, I’m sorry I forced you into the confession. I had no right to push you like that, and I am sorry.”

Shelby raises an eyebrow. “I can’t really hate you for it...since it’s what made Toni reach out to me and led to our first kiss.”

Leah laughs at that. “Well then, you’re welcome.”

Shelby excuses herself to clean out her mouth-piece and runs into Rachel on her way back.

“Oh, hey. I was looking for you.” Rachel tells her as they fall into step together.

“What’s up? Did something happen?”

“No, nothing like that.” Shelby sees Rachel shift uncomfortably out of the corner of her eye. “It’s just...I don’t understand.”

“What don’t you understand?”

“You and Toni?”

Shelby frowns. “What about us?”

“You were legitly a homophobe. I’m not misremembering that.”

Shelby swallows uncomfortably and chews her bottom lip as she squeezes her eyes shut tightly. “More like self-hating lesbian, but yeah, what I said was pretty awful.”

“And she’s okay with that?”

“She seems to be.”

Rachel stops walking and touches Shelby’s upper arm to get her attention. Shelby stops walking as well and looks at her.

“And  _ you’re  _ suddenly okay with that? No more self-hating shit? What if you revert back?”

Shelby sighs. “Have you ever been more afraid of getting everything you ever wanted and losing it than you were of never getting it at all?”

Rachel stares at her and nods. “Yes. Fuck, I get it.”

“Then you know that I won’t do anything to screw this up. Not if I can help it. There’s no reverting back for me, not with this.”

Rachel keeps eye contact for another moment longer before she turns and starts to walk again. Shelby follows her in silence.

“I heard what Nora said. About love. And...I’m the one that ruined it for her. I mean, yeah, he died...which I didn’t even know about. But I told Nora that I didn’t like him, and then she broke up with him. All because I didn’t take the time to understand him...or her. Her whole life, she took care of me. And the  _ one  _ time that she needed  _ me,  _ I didn’t even try to help her. She had been distant for weeks before this trip. And my selfish, dumb ass was so excited for my freedom from her that I didn’t even realize she had withdrawn from me because she was hurting.”

Rachel pauses and chances a glance at Shelby, but Shelby decides to remain quiet because it’s obvious that Rachel has more she needs to get off her chest.

“What kind of asshole doesn’t even see her own sister’s pain? And then we get here, and she’s finally reaching out to me again, but I immediately felt smothered by her. God, she was probably so terrified to lose someone else she loved--so scared of this place and being left here...and I was awful to her, again. You all...you all…” She sighs as if to gather her thoughts and then stops walking again, but she doesn’t look at Shelby when she continues. “I thought Leah was the psycho one, and Toni was the violent one, and that you were a homophobic hateful bitch...but I’m the one whose been worse than that to my own twin sister. And here I was, sitting on my own high horse in judgement of all of you.”

“None of us is just one thing, Rachel.” Shelby tells her sincerely. “And we’re not the worst thing we’ve ever done. Thank God.” Shelby steps in front of Rachel and looks directly at her. “Toni was the one who reminded me that we are free here. From everything in our past. This is our clean slate...starting  _ right now. _ ..to be who we want to be.”

Rachel steps away slightly and avoids eye contact as she starts walking. Shelby doesn’t know what else to do but follow once again.

“Toni did an apology tour. A day or two ago, not sure if you knew that. But she came to all of us and apologized for her outbursts. She was sorry if she scared us, or made things worse for us in any way.” Rachel tells her quietly.

“She did that?” Shelby asks in awe.

Rachel nods. “That night...when she almost died...and then Martha almost died...remember Toni was mad. Mad at us for saving her, because she didn’t think she was worth it. I understood that in my soul as well. I didn’t get it before, but you make each other better. And you’re good for each other. Like...seeing the two of you overcome your issues with yourselves and each other, it gives me hope for me and Nora. I want to be good enough for her. I want to deserve how much she loves me.”

Shelby stares at her. “You do.”

Rachel shakes her head. “I don’t. Not right now, but I will.”

Shelby smiles sadly at that.

Rachel stops walking just before they reach the edge of the camp. They watch the others in silent appreciation for a moment. Leah and Fatin are sitting close together, and it looks like Dot is telling them all a story that has them laughing hysterically. Toni has her arms around Martha happily, and Nora comments on something Dot just said which starts another round of laughter, causing Fatin to fall into Leah’s side shaking happily. Leah’s hand instantly rests on her hip protectively as she holds her safely in place. Dot flops down in front of them with a grin and Fatin pushes at her face which causes Leah to shake her head with a smile.

Nora stands up and says something else that seems to amuse the others, and then Toni says something with a smirk on her face. Fatin responds and Toni rolls her eyes and actually sticks her tongue out at her like she’s five. Then when her eyes leave the scene, they find Shelby’s and she smiles at her genuinely. She leans close to Martha and whispers to her, then stands up and dusts sand off her clothes before she starts walking their way.

“I know I don’t have to tell you this, but don’t hurt her, because I’d hate to have to kick your ass.” Rachel tells her fondly with a contented smile. She must have found the same peace and contentment watching the others as Shelby did.

Shelby laughs genuinely. “I won’t. I promise.”

“I know, because you love her.” 

“I do.” Shelby admits with a sigh. “And I wish she understood what she means to me...and to you and the others. You all seem to have her back, and I think it’s amazing. She’s amazing. I just wish she could see it. That she could see what I see.” Her eyes settle on Rachel. “I wish you could see it, too. What you mean to all of us. You’re better than you know.”

Rachel’s smile is small, but genuine. “Thanks, Shelby. So are you.”

Before Shelby can respond further, Toni arrives. 

“Hey you.” She directs at Shelby as she kisses her softly on the cheek and Shelby melts into it before giving her a proper kiss on the lips.

“Gross.” Rachel says playfully.

Toni steps away and smiles at Rachel. The two share a fist bump.

“What’d we miss?” Shelby wonders.

“Not much, Dot was making up some reality TV bullshit for the island. Nora is fucking hilarious.” Toni tells them with a gleeful smile etched on her beautiful face. “Growing up with her must have been a riot.”

Rachel swallows audibly and avoids answering the rhetorical question.

“I should go back...give you guys some privacy.” Rachel tells them awkwardly as she dismisses herself in a rush.

“Did I do something to piss her off?” Toni asks when Rachel is out of earshot.

“No...more like self-reflection and personal accountability.” Shelby says vaguely, but Toni nods as if she gets it. And she probably does. 

“Hey...so Martha seems to think you've been avoiding her.” Her tone assumes that she doesn’t believe it’s true and Shelby guiltily shuffles away from her. “Shelby? Is she right?”

“I mean...yeah, I...yes. She’s right.”

“What? Why?”

Shelby wrings her hands together nervously and Toni seems to instinctively grab them and lace her fingers through Shelby’s. The movement calms her instantly. Well it calms her mind, but it sets her chest on fire. She looks down at their linked hands when she answers.

“I’m scared that I’ve disappointed her. I’m terrified she won’t like me.”

“What? Shelby, she already adores you. You’re like her best friend. It’s why you always pissed me off so much, I thought you were trying to replace me.”

Shelby looks up at Toni with wide eyes. “That was never my intention...I was trying...I wanted to get your attention and…”

“Well you did.” Toni smirks which causes Shelby to blush.

“Anyway, she liked me  _ before,  _ sure...but as myself, not as your girlfriend.”

Toni’s smirk darkens as do her eyes. “My girlfriend, huh?”

Shelby’s blush intensifies and she stutters. “I mean, well, I…”

“Relax, Shel, I’m just kidding. Of course I want you to be my girlfriend.” She releases one of Shelby’s hands and brushes her fingers against Shelby’s cheek. 

Shelby exhales shakily and closes her eyes. “Good.” She opens her eyes and stares intensely at Toni. “But everyone knows that the girlfriend and the best friend have to get along otherwise the relationship is doomed. And I need her to like me  _ as  _ your girlfriend.”

“And you intend to get her to like you by avoiding her?” Toni teases with a raised eyebrow as she drops her hand from Shelby’s cheek.

“Shut up! I know I didn’t go about it exactly the most logical way.”

Toni’s smirk infuriates her so badly she wants to kiss it off her face. So she does. She rests her forehead against Toni’s when their lips finally part so recover from the breathlessness of the kiss.

“I need her to think I’m good enough for you.” Shelby whispers.

Toni’s eyes soften. “Shelby, you are. I’m the one who doesn’t deserve you, if we’re being honest. I was just hoping you wouldn’t realize it.”

Shelby rolls her eyes. “We’re going to have to agree to disagree on that.”

Toni nods and sits on a rock, looking over the camp at the others. Shelby joins her and watches them. She watches as Rachel extends her hand to Nora and Nora takes it, before following her sister away from the others. Shelby smiles at the interaction. She hopes they patch things up. Everyone deserves a second chance. Even Shelby. She looks at Toni and then at the others again as she speaks quietly.

“When that plane flew over and we thought we were going to get saved...that was one of the worst moments of my life.” She feels Toni’s eyes bore into her as she continues. “I had finally figured myself out. I got to be who I wanted to be...and we had just kissed and it was amazing, and so I got to thinking...what if we were saved and I never got to feel that way again? That I’d have to go back to the way things were and I hated every minute of that life. And I realized that...I’d miss everyone...I only got to really know these girls and…”

She feels Toni’s hand rest on her shoulder so she looks at her. “Hey...no matter what happens, you’re stuck with me now. And maybe you don’t have to go back to Texas. You, me and Martha can go back home together. Or...we can do a cross country road trip and visit everyone. Couch surf. Stay with Fatin and Dot for a while.”

“Fatin, of course you’d want to stay with her.” Shelby’s mood sours instantly.

“You don’t like Fatin?”

“I like her fine. I just don’t understand how the two of you got so close.”

Toni’s hand falls from Shelby’s shoulder and the brunette shrugs as she turns away from Shelby and seems to be watching the others thoughtfully.

“I just get her, you know. When she first got here and didn’t do anything...it was like, it seemed like she was rebelling against unreachable expectations. Like she had finally had enough and she was over it. But then...she seemed to realize that having people expect only the worst of you, or you know, not expect anything at all...that that sucks, too. She got it, and I didn’t think anyone else ever would.” Toni glances back at Shelby, but maintains eye contact when Shelby’s gaze meets hers. “And knowing her openness and views about sex, I knew she wouldn’t have a problem with me. Like she would maybe be the only one here besides Martha that I could have been open to. Not just about my being a lesbian...but about sex in general.” Toni looks away again. “When I had my heart broken by my last girlfriend, Regan, I had a lot of sex. Pleasure without feelings and all that. It was refreshing that I knew she wouldn’t judge me about that.”

Shelby considers what Toni tells her, and she gets it. She understands their connection and even respects it. But something else about what Toni said stands out. 

“Define ‘a lot of sex.’” She asks for clarification.

Toni turns and stares at her with an open mouth and her eyebrows nearly to her hairline. “Shelby...are you actually jealous?”

She was. Very much so, even though she had no right to be. It was in the past. It shouldn’t matter. They all had a past, and Shelby knew now that their past doesn't define them.

“Seriously, it meant nothing.” Toni tells her honestly as she takes one of Shelby’s hands in both of hers and squeezes tightly, tugging slightly so that Shelby meets her eyes. “Besides, having sex with someone you love is  _ way _ better.” Her eyes widen. “Not that...I...fuck, I mean...I  _ do. _ ” She lets go of Shelby’s hand and runs her hands over her hair and down her own ponytail. She pulls on the end of it with frustration as her eyes find Shelby again. “I don’t expect you to say it back or be there yet...or ever get there. I know how hard this all is for you and I would never force you to feel something you didn’t or pressure you if…”

Shelby cuts her off sharply with a growl. “You were right.”

Toni stares at her trying to understand.

“Having someone expect nothing from you sucks.” Shelby tells her honestly. “I mean, at first I respected that about you. That you saw through my BS and wouldn’t let me pretend to be something I wasn’t. But then you expected me to  _ be  _ myself. To be true to myself and to love myself...and that expectation was...it was everything, Toni.” She shakes her head sadly. “The fact that you have such low expectations for me now. For  _ us… _ ”

Toni licks her lips, and despite the sadness that crept into Shelby’s heart, her eyes instantly are drawn to the action. She can’t help the pull Toni has on her.

“That’s not what I’m saying.” Toni says forcefully and Shelby’s eyes raise to rest on Toni’s dark irises. “I just...I’m scared, too. Whatever this is terrifies me. I’ve had my heart broken before, torn to shreds actually, and I swore to myself that I wouldn’t let it happen again. That I wouldn’t let myself care this much. But I do Shelby, so help me God, I do.” She sighs and shakes her head and smiles fondly at her. 

Shelby rolls her eyes and shoves at Toni. “I’m in love with you, too, you idiot. How can you not see that?”

Toni grins and shrugs. “I didn’t want to get my hopes up.”

Shelby pulls Toni in for a quick peck on the lips and grins back. “All we have is hope.” She kisses her again. “And I plan to spend every single day making you believe me. Believe in us. Starting now.”

They kiss again, more passionately this time. Deeper than usual. It surprises Shelby how every kiss is somehow different than the previous ones, and yet how amazing each one always is. And that each one is somehow better than the last. 

They makeout for a while, before they mutually decide that it’s time to join the others. Plus, Shelby figures that it’s time she bites the bullet and stops avoiding Martha. She might as well woman up and address the distance between them. They walk to the bonfire holding hands and Toni sits down, but Shelby remains standing. Fatin immediately crawls over to Toni and whispers something teasingly into her ear which causes Toni to laugh and slap her. Fatin chuckles and falls on the ground in front of Toni. Shelby catches Dot’s eyes and Dot shrugs, then Shelby glances at Leah who is looking down at her hands. Shelby isn’t bothered by Fatin and Toni’s friendship any more, now that she understands it. She figures that Fatin must see the same kinship in Toni as her girlfriend sees in Fatin, and Shelby respects it. She just wishes that somehow she could get through to her that perhaps openly flirting with one of the two lesbians on the island is  _ not  _ the way to get the girl. And by that, she obviously means Leah, who obviously is not as amused by Fatin’s flirting as everyone else seems to be.

Shelby makes a note to address that detail later, but for now, she has more important things on her mind. 

“Hey, Martha...do you have a minute?” She asks nervously.

Martha looks at her with surprise and nods. “I..me…? Yeah.” She stands up and follows Shelby away from the group. 

“I owe you a huge apology.” Shelby starts without preamble.

“Shelby, you don’t…”

“I do. I’ve been avoiding you because I’m terrified of you.”

“Why?”

“Because you mean everything to Toni and I want to mean everything to her as well. And...you mean the world to me and…” Shelby rolls her eyes at her own stupidity. “I was scared that you would hold my stupid outburst against me and assume based on that that I wouldn’t deserve Toni. But saying it now, I realize how little credit I gave you. You’re truly the purest person here, and the best of all of us...and I don’t know why I thought you’d judge me or hold a grudge or be anything other than amazing. I have no excuse for that, except that I really want you to be okay with me and Toni, because you accepting us matters to me. And I also want to make sure that  _ we’re  _ okay...me and you.”

“Shelby...please, breathe. You look like you’re about to pass out.” Martha tells her fondly and leans against a tree as she studies her closely. “I’ve never seen Toni so calm or so happy before, even when she was with Regan...I mean, they were good together...but Toni wasn’t...she’s finally started to believe in herself and her own worth and...she’s let go of a lot of that anger. And a lot of that has to do with the island and being away from everything that sucks in her life...but a lot of that is also you, Shelby. So yeah, I accept you as a couple.”

Shelby exhales in relief and her shoulders drop all the tension they had been holding the last few days. She feels lighter. And finally more free than she’s ever felt in her life.

“And just so you know...I’ve forgiven you ages ago. We’re good.”

Shelby relaxes impossibly more. She sits down by a tree across from Martha. Eventually, Martha sits down as well and silence overtakes them for a few moments.

“I’m not perfect, Shelby.” She says and the whisper in the serenity of the woods startles Shelby. “You said that I was pure and the best of us...but I’m not. Not by a long shot.”

Shelby shakes her head to argue.

“I’m a fraud. And a liar. And a coward.” Martha says as she squeezes a twig until it snaps in two. “There are things you don’t know about me. Things you wouldn’t like if you knew.”

Shelby waits patiently. Eventually Martha tells Shelby her life story. The accident, the abuse, the lies she covered it up with. She talks about her regret and all the girls who must hate her because of her lies. How many more people may have been hurt because she wasn’t brave enough. It reminds her of Becca. It reminds her of the blame that was meant for the men in their lives who took their innocence and left them with shame and guilt and self-doubt. And it completely shattered Shelby’s heart.

“See...I don’t deserve your respect, Shelby. I don’t deserve anyone’s.”

Shelby crawls over to her and wraps her in her arms as tightly as she can and lets Martha cry in her arms. She wonders if Martha ever let herself cry about this. Probably not. She created her own pretend reality to hide from these feelings. She rewrote her own life story so that the trauma couldn’t reach her. She pretended that life was good and used her imagination to create one she could live with. And none of that made her a coward, or weak, or even made Shelby lose any sort of respect for her. In fact, it made Shelby understand her better. It made her admire her strength for being able to endure. 

“I don’t think you’re a coward, Martha. I think you’re human. And I think you did what you had to to survive. And anyone who knows you, would understand that.”

Martha nods against her, but Shelby feels the hot, wet tears continue to fall.

“Toni...Toni said the same thing. She said that I didn’t owe anyone anything. That it was my life and if I wasn’t ready to tell my truth yet...then it was okay. She said that since I had already had so much taken from me...no one should be allowed to take anything more. And that included my truth.”

“You protect each other. I think it’s beautiful.”

Martha pulls away and looks at Shelby. “We support each other. Neither of us were able to protect each other from the people that hurt us. It took us both a lot of work to realize that. She blamed herself for not realizing what was happening with me, and I blamed myself for all the foster parents I couldn’t protect her from.”

Shelby swallows thickly. She is crushed that her two favorite people have been hurt so much. And that she may never fully know the extent of it.

“I know that what he did was wrong. I know that it was him and not me.” Martha lowers her voice. “And I know that a lot of the girls assume that I’m some innocent, delicate flower that lives in a fantasy world. But...none of those are me. I’m not some broken victim, or courageous survivor. And I’m not some sheltered, innocent who’s living in the clouds. I...thought...I thought that being here could allow me to rebuild myself, and I still somehow ended up falling into the same old patterns. I feel like out of everyone, I’m the only one who got more lost the longer we’ve been here...while the rest of you have finally found your way.”

“Hey...life’s a marathon not a sprint.” She sighs and shakes her head. “Sorry. That...I didn’t mean that.”

Martha smiles at her. “Actually that helped more than anything else you could have said. It’s proof that changing is hard...even if the person you are letting go of was never you to begin with.”

Shelby nods and hugs her again.

“Can I ask you a question?” Martha wonders.

“Of course. Anything,”

“Why me? Was it always about Toni?” 

Shelby considers how to answer it and decides that Martha deserves the entire truth. She lets go of her and scoots around so they are facing each other.

“Not entirely. You also reminded me of my best friend.” She bites her lip and lowers her gaze. “I was awful to her. She was kind and pure and good and I destroyed her.” 

Shelby tells her an abridged version of the story, and Martha listens quietly and without judgement.

“You were my second chance.” Shelby admits after finishing the story. “To be better. To redeem myself, maybe even forgive myself. But also, you’re you. And you made me see the person I could be. The one I wanted to be. You accepted me instantly, and I love you for that. You’re my best friend.”

Martha smiles at her. “You’re my best friend, too.”

Shelby rolls her eyes. “Thanks, but you don’t have to lie. I know Toni is and I can live with that.”

Martha shakes her head. “No, Toni’s my  _ person. _ ”

Shelby smiles at that. She gets it. Toni’s her person, too. But in a  _ very  _ different way.

They sit and talk and laugh so long that soon the sun is sitting and it starts to get dark.

“Maybe we should head back.” Shelby eventually says. 

She can’t wait to get back to Toni, to wrap her arms around her and just feel loved and valued and understood. But she has also immensely enjoyed her time with Martha, because Martha has always meant a lot to her. She never had to pretend with her, even though her intentions for getting to know her hadn’t been the purest.

They walk back in a companionable silence and are enveloped with laughter as soon as they reach the beach. She smiles when she notices how close Nora and Rachel are sitting and that they both have huge smiles on their faces. But she also sees Fatin’s smile fall as soon as it lands on Shelby. She hops up and hurries over to them.

“Hey…” She glances at Martha and Martha seems to get the hint, so she walks away without a further word. “So...my flirting with Toni doesn’t mean anything. You know that right?” She is wearing a worried expression and before Shelby can assure her that she’s not mad at her, Fatin continues quickly. Her words rush together. “It’s just, I’m a flirt, you know that, and only Dot and Toni can give it as much as they take it.” Her eyes widen and her mouth snaps shut. She squeezes her eyes close and shakes her head. When her eyes pop back open, they bore into Shelby as if they can see her soul. “That was in no way meant to be sexual. That was just an observation. And I mean, yeah, Leah can take a joke, but flirting with her feels too real. And I don’t know if either of us are ready for that.” She swallows audibly, her eyes never leaving Shelby’s. “Anyway...I’m not a homewrecker. My dad...he...I don’t want to be like that. I won’t hurt the people I care about anymore. And for the record, Toni wouldn’t do that anyway. She’s a good one. And she’s loyal. You know that, you’ve seen the way she is with Martha. Once she imprints on you, your hers.”

Shelby smiles at that description, because it’s accurate. But she also likes being recognized as belonging to Toni. But knowing what Martha and Toni have been through together, she appreciates that loyalty even more now. Not because it means that Toni won’t stray, but because that’s the kind of person Toni is. She _ is _ a good one. And Shelby’s glad that everyone else can see it, too. She deserves to have people watching her back for once.

“Good, I got a smile.” Fatin says and it draws Shelby’s attention back to the present. Fatin is smiling at her in return, openly and honestly. “Because, Shelby, I care about you. I care about both of you and I would never intentionally jeopardize what you have together. I mean, Dot had to point out that I should probably stop with the incessant flirting because I didn’t realize that it might bother you, and she also reminded me that it might not be something I want to keep doing if I want to get Leah to take me seriously...as like, a potential...suitor or something.” Her eyes widen. “Fuck, I’m going soft.”

Shelby laughs at that.

“So...yeah, I just wanted to make sure we were okay.”

“We are.” Shelby tells her and relief washes over Fatin’s face.

“Toni’s a good one...but she’s just as lucky to have you.”

Shelby smiles at her. “Thank you. And Fatin?”

“Yeah?”

“Leah would be lucky to have you, too.”

“Damn straight!” She smirks. “Well, not straight in this case…”

Shelby shakes her head with fondness. “You really are something.”

Fatin beams with pride. Then she bows exaggeratedly as if to draw attention away from the seriousness of the conversation. Shelby takes that as her hint to end the conversation on a good note and starts walking back to the group. Fatin follows wordlessly.

“And just so you know….I think you have more of a chance with Leah than you realize.” Shelby tells her.

Fatin stops walking immediately. “Did she say something about me? She did, right?”

Shelby grins mischievously as she mimics zipping her lips and Fatin’s mouth drops open in shock. 

She shakes her head and rolls her eyes. “You bitch!”

Shelby laughs and leads them back to the bonfire. She claps her hands to gain the attention of the others.

“I’ve got the perfect ice breaker game!” She says with exaggerated enthusiasm and a thicker than usual Southern accent.

Everyone groans loudly and falls on their backs as if being tortured. But Shelby notices the smiles on their faces and she is proud of how far they have all come.

“It’s called Two Truths and a Lie.” She announces as she takes a seat next to Toni and her girlfriend immediately wraps her in her arms. “You have to say three things. Two of them are real and one of them is made up and we have to guess which one is the lie.”

“I’ll go first!” Fatin declares since she has yet to sit down. “I’m good at sex. I have a crush on someone here. And I used my toothbrush to get off.”

Everyone starts to laugh.

“I knew it!” Rachel yells as she points her finger at Fatin in accusation.

“I’m surprised that the battery lasted as long as it did, honestly.” Dot says matter-of-factly, but she smiles at Shelby knowingly.

Fatin looks around the group in frustration. “What? No...that...that was the lie.”

“Sure, Fatin.” Toni laughs.

“Seriously. I swear on Jeanette’s grave.”

“The grave we dug up and found no body inside?” Nora wonders with confusion.

“No, you guys!” Fatin is whining now.

Leah pats her leg patronizingly. “Come on, it’s fine.” She tugs on her and Fatin sits beside her with a pout on her face. “We’re not judging you for what you needed to do to survive.”

Fatin shakes her head to argue, but when Leah laughs and pulls Fatin closer to her, she doesn’t say a word. Instead, she settles into her with contentment. And Leah looks just as satisfied.

The game continues while Shelby listens happily at their laughter and teasing. And this time, when she hears a plane in the distance, she doesn’t feel dread settling in the pit of her stomach. Instead, she feels a little flutter in her chest. It feels a little like hope, and a lot like love. Love for herself, and these girls, and Toni, most of all. And the best part is, she feels that same absolute, unconditional love directed right back at her. And if feels fucking amazing. And no, she will not apologize for cursing. Because this is the new and improved Shelby Goodkind. The  _ real  _ Shelby. And she FUCKING loves this Shelby the best.


End file.
